Hello Dear Reader,
You know who you are. You wrote to me two days ago. It's taken a while to get back to you but I promised I would. I'm keeping my promise right now.
You are a similar age to me, we are both in our forties. My children have grown and flown whilst yours is still young and lives with you. You and I have both had illnesses and I have worked through mine, am well but I'm sorry to say that you are currently unwell and and have been for a long time. I've had to say no over and over to my children and bring them up with the harsh reality of the fact that if we couldn't afford it that they didn't have it. You currently don't have the strength to say no and you keep saying yes over and over to things you can't afford and you shouldn't spend money on.
Your letter touched me. It really touched me.
I went away today. My son sent me a text to tell me he loved me and was proud of me. I would do any thing, and I mean anything to receive any sort of acceptance from my daughter. I feel guilt each and every day that I never met her expectations and in her eyes and in her words, that I didn't parent her in the way that she would have wanted. If I could have my time again, would I have given into her? In a heart beat. With that in mind, it is totally understood that you can't say no to your daughter.
I said no.
I wish I hadn't.
As a parent, you are damned if you do and you are damned if you don't.
You and I also have other similarities. We both remember out childhoods. Yours wasn't great and we were deeply affected by poverty. Now, before I go any further and I know my mother will read this, I can now say this with perspective. I know my mum and dad were incredibly resourceful and did everything within their wonderfully creative means to provide for us the very best they could. We were always as clean as they could possibly keep us, as well fed as they could possibly feed us and they didn't have anything either, so it wasn't that we went without whilst they did better. I know I was loved and my parents did their very best. However, those grinding years of existence has an effect of anyone who ever experienced it. In short, being the poor kid in the class is not great and the lasting effect is a lifetime of trying to get over it. I've moved on but you haven't got over it. Not one bit.
So, you and me Dear Reader tried to compensate for it.
Me? I tried to work my way out of it and spent years trying to earn enough, to make it better for my family so I could ensure they had a better future. In the meantime, I was either at work or at college and whilst I was there, just trying to make it better for the children who I was not there for as I was too busy trying to provide for them. Ironic? Yep!
You? You have tried to shop your way out of those memories. That means you have too much of anything and most of it gets wasted, wasn't wanted and ended up in the bin. It just sounds like you wanted to shop it better, to buy it better to have it in stock and there to be plenty of it because that would make it better........wouldn't it? Has it made it better? No it hasn't!
You wrote as others have written, the words..........
"I need your help."
I will do what I can.
You do need to go and get professional medical help for the condition you describe. You also need to go and seek out professional support and help for your compulsive behaviours. As ever, I can not tell you what to do but will share what I would do. You explain that you have experiences from your past that you also need professional help with. Here's what I can do, I can advise you to find someone who can help you. I can only share how I would deal with that and be clear that is all that is.
Acquisition often involves human interaction, so reverse it. Polarise that interaction by selling the items that you have bought maybe on ebay or local sales via Facebook. Get the buzz by getting rid. Set yourself a workable target of one item a week and build that up, week by week until you are getting rid of an item for each of the working five days a week. On the other days? Give yourself a break and a pat on the back that you've come this far.
Where I can help is by giving advice on reducing food wastes. I have given this advice so often before but this time, it's just for you.
1. Find a note pad and a pen.
2. Stock take one drawer of the deep freeze at a time.
3. Write down everything that's in there.
Now. repeat with all the food in your house. Stick a label on the drawer, cupboard or shelf that you haven stock of. Alternatively, you can photograph the areas you have already taken stock of.
Take time and read through the list of what you have.
Think about the food you can cook, how you can combine it and the meals you can make. If that is too difficult then email that list to me and I will help you with some meal ideas.
I'm also going to take you back to this. Click on the links.
I haven't always had it easy and at times, this blog was all there was to keep me upright and moving in a forward direction.
So, here's what you have done: you've admitted there's a problem and you want to do something about it.
Also, there are a multitude of others out there who can share what they might do. Remember, none of us have the answers, in fact, only you have the answers. What we can all do is share what we would do.
So, here goes.
Everyone, what would you do with these personal dilemmas. What would you do if you had too much of everything? What would you do to cut back on food waste? What would you do to fill your time so you didn't fill it with shopping.
Your letter touched me and I will do what I can.
Until tomorrow,
Love Froogs xxxx
This has brought a tear to my eye x x my daughter is slowly learning the word no, and one day I will get her to read this and your blog x x
ReplyDeleteI don't think that I always have it easy, and then you find that someone is treading a more difficult path. I don't know what I can say to help, like Froogs just things that I use to help me when things get tough. I don't know whether you get chance to be by yourself or where you live but try to get outside, somewhere where there's some greenery, sit or stand still, allow yourself to feel the breeze on your face, close your eyes and just allow yourself to breathe deeply, concentrate on your breath, don't think about anything else except being in that moment and your breathing in and out, spend 5 minutes just doing this - think of it as a gift to yourself, just allow yourself to stop and to be. Repeat daily. It costs nothing, except time - but you can make this a routine. My thoughts are with you.
ReplyDeleteBought a tear to my eye too - what would I do? Health issues - Do the research & find out as much as possible about treatments available. Too much stuff - I keep meaning to eBay clothes as I have far too many that don't get worn but I never get around to listing them on eBay........ So I took a load to the charity shop. Made me feel much better & was totally stress free. Food waste - I meal plan, often using your recipes. It works well., thanks Froogs. Filling time - I'm fortunate & never get bored as I'm always sewing or card making or gardening. So suggest finding a hobby or interest.
ReplyDeleteFroogs, a moving post. I second your recommendation that the reader in question seek professional hellp, but she can also take control of what she can and do as you suggested: stock take, MEAL PLAN! (such a money saver!) and eat down the stores in the larder, fridge/freezer. Sell excess possessions. Moving out of my marital home 2 years ago, and purging a LOT, was cathartic. We moved again this past Aug, and I still found things to let go of. I see more on hand that can go, and I hope to ideally get a bit of money for it, but if not, off to another home to bless someone else is my mantra.
ReplyDeleteWe're all in this together.: )
Froogs you are one special lovely lady!
ReplyDeleteAs a sufferer of a long term health problem I understand how the lady in question would find it difficult to say no. Kids have an amazing knack of grinding us down at times!! My small suggestion would be for her to have a list of alternative things that are doable given Her health needs and that are of little cost that she can share with her kids: home made popcorn and a movie night, sharing a book for all ages and reclaiming the bedtime hour of stories read aloud before bed. If she was wanting to do something outside of the home maybe the family could decide on a shared treat, calculate the cost and put a little but by each week until there is enough money in the savings envelope.
Taking an inventory of the kitchen cupboards and freezer is often ver illuminating and it is surprising what can be made from basic store cupboard ingredients.
San x
Dear Froogs,
ReplyDeleteit was lovely to read about the text from your son, and sad to read about your struggles with your daughter. I'm not sure that saying yes instead of no would have given a different outcome. It sounds as though you did your very best, and one of your kids can see that and the other can't - I sometimes think this just comes down to the temperament of the child. A brilliant book you should be able to find in your local library is "The Seven Habits Of Highly Effective Families" by Stephen Covey. He gives many case studies where there were big problems between family members, and they were able to be systematically resolved. It's such a wise book and I think you would like the processes he describes. It's a book I regularly refer to as my kids go through different ages and stages, which aren't always smooth sailing.
As for the lady you are advising, I would definitely recommend selling her stuff as this will help fill up her time and provide much-needed cash to pay off debts. I'm not sure what her health condition is, but unless bedridden perhaps a day a week doing some volunteer work? It's always helpful to remember that someone else is in a worse position than we are, and one gains a lot of happiness by being able to help in some small way. Walking has so many benefits to mental and physical health, and I would definitely recommend it. Unless there are severe weather warnings we can all get off our tooshes and just do it!
All the best,
Madeleine.xx
What a heartbreaking and confronting post. I know many (including my past self) who would think of this as a First World problem but regardless of which World this lady is in this is a life being half lived and in pain. Poverty has a profound effect on people, I too know if from first hand experience. I remember a childhood of constantly telling lies, fantasy worlds where we were a nice, respectable middle class family rather than one as flawed and dysfunctional as the next. Like you, Froogs, I determined to fix that in my adulthood by education. Knowing where to stop, how to achieve balance, is the key but when you're in the spiral of despair that is near impossible without assistance. I'm so glad this lady has reached her hand out for help; that is the first and major step. The rest of the journey to balance can be amazing.....feeling the progress that you make towards your ideal existence and enjoying those steps is self-fulfilling. My advice would be to imagine what that ideal existence is, looks like, feels like, and then to add to her life only what works towards that future and to delete everything from life that takes away from it. It takes time but there are wonderful rewards along the way; its not all slog. Also dear reader, please remember that you are the engine that drives this dream so you must work on your own health, physical and psychological. You must make time for yourself, for me that is yoga and bookclub, for you it may be something completely different. You are allowed to have a fully lived life and you have the ability to change your family's future by your actions. You are already on the path. Baby steps, one after the other.....you will get there. My thoughts, hopes and very best wishes are with you. xxxxx
ReplyDeleteDear anonymous reader
ReplyDeleteI have recently had to stop and think about what and where am I going.I am by nature a hoarder saving and buying EVERYTHING "just because" we all face the aftermath of a past that wasn't as nurturing as it could have been,and I too am a child who decided the only way for me to become well was to break ties with my mother. The relationship was destructive at best. I wanted to be well. That said Froogs does offer some very salient advice. The things I hoarded had no real resale value so I donated my abundance of fabric,wool and other craft bits to the girl guides and the brownies. As yous has cash value SELL IT, just think of the very positive things you could do with the extra in your purse. Pay a debt put it towards rent,mortgage or a bill. Take all the help you can get but as long as it enables you to help yourself and not defer your need to.I agree that it is important for you children to have what they need. They don't need the latest craze to make them validated. My dad didn't have a bean much to spare and I was spoilt but he was compensating for other things(mother) it did stop and I didn't die. But the one thing he always did never ever not did was love me we went everywhere together even though he is maturing in years there isn't a better friend for me to have.Dad would take me to the park on the hoe for a look at the sea cheep day return to a small coastal town near by he gave me swimming lessons with a local group. He himself LOATHES swimming Dad was just there and in my younger years being small and selfish I didn't realize what wonderful set of building blocks he was giving me to do things in life. I appreciate that in some families is not always possible. However you can be the start of that foundation for you family. I feel by what I have gleaned reading this post that you are capable you looked for help it didn't come looking fro you.Remember that you are your best asset. And you are good enough.
all the best.
Rachel
I don't usually comment, but what a moving email this must've been from this lady who's struggling and has reached out for help. From the responses so far there's clearly lots of goodwill toward her. Like others I'd suggest talking to her GP about health concerns, getting specialist help where needed (eg: if there's been abuse of any kind involved. That runs deep, and I know that from experience.) Get advice about money matters if needed, and Citizens Advice Bureau are a great place to start. Take care of your physical and mental health as best you can because no one can run on empty. If at all religious, seek both practical and spiritual help from church. Do something creative - whether that's sewing, painting, writing or whatever. Doesn't need to be expensive, and you don't need to be really good at it. Creativity is life affirming and I believe, without wanting to sound airy fairy - it nourishes the soul. Join a free choir. There're loads around and singing your heart out is proven good for physical and mental health. Recognise that you're in an awful place right now, but you won't always be. Recognise that reaching out for help is a first step and you've taken it. You're already moving toward something better.
ReplyDeleteAll the good advice given here from everyone will only ever work if we can take it all on board and strive to make a difference with what we have learnt. The poor lady in question might feel totally overwhelmed with her problems and no matter how much good advice anyone can give might just be too much to cope with. We don`t know the full extend of her circumstances but can only ever give this advice: Seek professional help for physical and mental problems. Speak to financial advisors or your bank to resolve money worries and make time to find relaxing activities that don`t cost. Walking in fresh air was suggested. I found dancing a very powerful tool for my mental state at times. It gave me energy to carry on when I felt everything had fallen to pieces in my life. This activity I could do at home, with a cheap teaching video I had bought for £0.50 from a charity shop and my own radio.
ReplyDeleteLearning to say NO to the children can be hard when you are already feeling fragile and miserable yourself. It often feels easier to give in then to provoke an outburst or argument with a loved one. Been there and done this myself. But, in the long run it`s much more helpful to us as well as the children if we stick to our guns and don`t falter in our resolve. I know that this is also often much easier said than done.
As everyone else already said here; take small steps to improve your situation. Starting with some of the ideas of getting rid of too much stuff might well be a good start. And never forget that others already had some of your experiences, too. We are always here for you to reach out for more advice and support. Nobody`s life runs smoothly and perfectly. It always grows into what it is through our own actions. Finding strength to divert from a bad way is always difficult at first. If we can help to give you a little of that strength needed we will!
Having
I don't feel comfortable giving advice, as we are all so different, but I would certainly advise your reader to go to her doctor and tell him/her ALL as a starter. Regarding saying No to children, you don't say how old your daughter is, but unless she is a toddler I believe that instead of seeing her as part of the cause of your financial difficulties she can also be seen as part of the answer. Talk to her, without blaming or whining, with an edited summary of the situation. Ask for her help using ebay- choosing, setting out, photographing, (even very young children are internet savvy), ask for ideas for fun things to do that don't cost money, menu plan and cook together. I suppose I am saying that involving children rather than doing (and buying) everything for them helps them and you. There are many useful, caring comments above, which I know you will find helpful, You have made a start by contacting Froogs, just try to approach whatever you decide to do in small manageable steps. If you find that you are struggling come back to Froogs page to recharge your batteries! Take care and the very best of luck to you.
ReplyDeleteGill
What a brilliant suggestion!
DeleteMadeleine.x
Hi Froogs, this post hit a nerve, not because I identify with the person you are trying to help but because you are a non judgemental, tell it like it is, disciple of the truth.. I take my hat off to all of your endeavors. Well done... and thank you for being you!!
ReplyDeleteJo in Auckland, NZ
ReplyDeleteDear Anonymous,
You really MUST get professional help for whatever your medical problem is.
For many years I convinced myself that I was just feeling 'a bit down' and had 'the blues', I just knew I couldn't possibly be depressed because I really had nothing to be depressed about!
Then the women I worked with had words with me, they told me how some days I was just horrible to be around, and how much I'd changed over the previous couple of years.
They convinced me to speak to my Dr. which is when I found out that I had severe clinical depression!
I felt ashamed to be depressed, as I know how lucky I have been in life, surely I should be stronger and not give in to my emotions.
As the Dr. explained, depression is an illness like any other, and is caused by a chemical imbalance, it can happen to anyone, Stephen Fry being a classic example.
Within a few weeks of being on anti-depressants I was literally a new woman, enjoying my career again, having fun with my family, getting up early at weekends to make the most of the day! I hadn't realised just how bad I had actually been feeling, until I felt better again!
So, please, whatever ails you, speak to a professional about it, and if you're not satisfied with their response, change your Dr.
Life's too short to be lived in pain, of any description.
This post will help many others too I'm sure...thank you Froogs for the compassion and care you show to your fellow humankind xx
ReplyDeleteWhat a very moving post. I agree with all the recommendations you and other readers have made about stock taking and meal planning and seeking professional help. I think there have been times in my own life that I should have reached out for help, but I saw this as a sign of weakness, but in fact I think it takes a lot of courage to admit you need help.
ReplyDeleteThe part that really struck a cord with me was about spending money to compensate for something. I have run up huge credit card bills buying things on ebay that I thought would make everything OK. In the end the possessions just dag you down and make you feel guilty. I am now reversing the process and selling these unnecessary things on ebay. 'I now realise that 'things' don't bring happiness, 'inner peace' is the thing that brings happiness. I really hope the reader manages to achieve this for herself and her daughter.
After suffering a stroke in August of 2013 I am finally getting back on my feet again. I am a Registered Nurse and after 26 years working at our local hospital they did not take me back when I became able to return to work. My husband and I have struggled but we are finally seeing some light at the end of the tunnel. I now have a job working in a facility that specializes in rehab of people who have had orthopedic surgeries, strokes and heart attacks, I am not getting paid as much but my husband and I have adapted because we both have a frugal nature.
ReplyDeleteWe grow a lot of our own food and our freezers and pantry were well stocked so we did not need to spend much on food and we made do with the clothes we already own. We also live on a farm with some wooded areas so we had firewood for heat as well. I actually spent a lot of my time while I was not working decluttering our house because I woke up one day and realized that having a lot of stuff does not matter and does not bring happiness in the long run and working long hours in a high stress job for the acquisition of material things probably had a lot to do with my having a stroke to start with.
So I feel for the lady who emailed you and I hope that she takes your advice to heart! Back last winter when I was reeling from the loss of my health and my job your blog was one of the things that gave me great comfort and inspiration. It still does! Thank you Froogs!
Upon reading all of these wonderful comments, I find one idea that has helped me, is missing. I make and distribute small quilts to seniors' care homes and hospice, also visit the eldery in those places and find it very rewarding. I find that helping others is a fine way to help yourself and take your mind of of worries close to home, just an idea is all.
ReplyDeleteI was just thinking the same thing...getting out of yourself and caring for others does wonders to lift your mood...and theirs!
DeleteAll of the above is sage advice and I couldn't add any more. I wish someone had given me this advice when my life was in turmoil. Hard to hear but sometimes necessary.
ReplyDeleteI suffered depression, shopped for entertainment, was a single parent, and struggled financially for many years mainly because of an ex husband who incurred debt in my name. Because of severe poverty and violence during my childhood - I felt I was unworthy and this was all I deserved.
I eventually went to my GP who put me on anti-depressants for a period of a few months and I felt like a new woman. Life felt like OK again. I took myself off to University and got a degree and continued studying for 10 years. Earned great money in the end and sorted myself out financially. As I was earning more and more I spent more on my children. Neither of them appreciated it. Like you Froogs, work and study took me away from them but I had little choice. It was sink or swim.
I spent significantly more money on my daughter because she was the more demanding. Moving along to her reaching young adulthood she turned her back on me completely. I have not had any contact. I did say 'yes' when I could afford to do so but she still saw me as a dreadful mother and less than. Move along another 10 years she has 2 children that I have no contact with. I guess what I am saying is that 'I was dammed when I didn't and I was dammed when I did'.
I wish you the best in sorting through things. Know that there are people out there to help as needed and who do not stand in judgement. We all have our life's challenges.
Some fantastic responses here. I would dare to add 2 more. CAP ( Christians against poverty) would certainly help with the financial side of things, but, like you, froogs, would get alongside this person, and walk with them. And whilst I know huge numbers would not agree with me, Christian friendship, and then perhaps the Christian understanding that there is a God who loves them as they are, and has a purpose for their life, makes the biggest difference of all.
ReplyDelete