Dear Reader,
If you like Ikea, if you work in Ikea, if you are Ikea, if you are a reader of the classics…………….I apologise. If you are a member of an Ikea survivors support group and you have room for another dribbling gibbering wreck, my email address can be found above and you can contact me to come a rock in a dark room with the rest of you. Ikea is rather like a bad one night stand, all that sweating, pushing and shoving and you come out with very little in the end.
To go shopping in Ikea, you have to enter the first circle. Limbo. You went there before, you got the good stuff but you got over it, made it through re-hab and moved on. Then, you forgot the pain and the smell of avarice so you thought you would go again. You deliberate for months and loiter round the outside. Lust, the second circle, pulls you in and you have to go. You’ve lingered, toying with a catalogue and flicking back and forwards through the pages and you get the call of…………..Ektorp! You can’t resist!
You arrive and from the moment you walk through that door, you remember the agonies you went through last time, but you’re there! You are confronted immediately by the third circle, gluttony. Meatballs, dripping with gravy, cranberries, tarts voluptuous with chocolate and the masses lured by pretty coloured things, with their sobbing children strapped in buggies or running wildly to primary colours. They shuffle like zombies with trays on trollies towards the call of “Do you want chips with those?”
You follow the arrows, you try to veer off in a different direction but it’s too late; you’re in the fourth circle. Husbands, like dogs on leads are being dragged around with wrathful women in Barbour quilted jackets and too much make up. He would walk faster but the huge yellow or blue bags into which aforementioned woman is slam dunking anything she can get her hands on. He drags it round like a boulder he’s trying to push from the centre of hell. I watch them thrash about in frustration as families, lovers, wives and husbands turn on each other. At this point Dearly Beloved and I lay on the beds and had a little snooze and hug as we watched the chaos around us!
We hadn’t even reached the lower levels of greater pains when we stopped for coffee.
We searched for someone to help us buy two sofas. I already felt stung, bored, blown about, with my senses assaulted. I felt as if I’d been pushing rocks and watched decent human beings thrash each other’s emotions and break each other’s back with the weight of scented candles!
I found some one.
We told them we wanted to buy two Ektorp sofas, one two seater and one three seater. He stood poised by his computer. ” You’ll have to pick one up in the warehouse down stairs in the city of Dis and then you’ll put it on a trolley, wheel it through burning tombs, past naked people on burning sand, onwards after the people drowning in depths of blood and past people frozen into trees. Then madam, you’ll have to wheel it to the tills, stand in queues as long as time and then, after paying, wheel it to the delivery desk where they will take it to a warehouse for weeks on end before they finally deliver it to you”
I stopped him there! I told him I would go down into the depths and see if I could get a Ektorp onto a trolley before I made the purchase.
Could I? Could I heck! Neither was there a trolley big enough. We made it out and back upstairs.
“We can’t lift it onto the trolley and if we could, there are not any trolleys big enough”
Silence.
“Well?” I was expecting a yellow clad army to help in some way.
“You’ll have to order it online”
So, that sums up the day trip. If you want to buy a three seater sofa, you just pay and go to the delivery desk and they will arrange delivery and pick up the large item from their warehouse around the corner from their store. If you want the two seater as well, then you have to go through the lower levels of hell to get it.
In short……………I don’t have a sofa! But, I have tested them and will order them. Ikea sells great stuff, I think it’s well made and they are ethical retailers but the shopping experience is dreadful. Rather like working in the Argos warehouse without the benefit of minimum wage. I do have some fabric and pressies for FM, MW and GD. I took lots of pictures for your benefit and have learnt (I took this one for the team!) it’s a good shop window but for goodness sake, don’t bother buying large items there………..just buy them online.
Apologies to Dante.
I’ll be back tomorrow with menu planning and a week’s frugal food.
Until then,
Love Froogs xxxxxxxxxxx